Taming the Urge to Compare
Parents and caregivers of younger children hear statements like this and cringe. Then they ask themselves,
“Why is my child not doing that yet?”
Any professional in the childcare field will tell you the same thing. “Don’t compare your child to others.” “Don’t worry too much. They will get there eventually.” And they are right, in most cases. While a child who doesn’t reach certain developmental milestones by certain times might be showing signs of a variety of disabilities, all children learn and develop in different ways at different times.
One child might take his first steps at nine months. Another might not walk until after her first birthday. Even if one child can read full sentences before kindergarten, another might not be able to until first grade. But it doesn’t matter. Not enough to worry about it. As long as your child is meeting milestones, is healthy, and is happy, then more than likely he or she will be doing those same things in time.
Now I’m sure you’ve heard all of this before. Probably from the many well-meaning parents, grandparents, caregivers, and strangers who insist on offering unsolicited advice. And their words probably caused you to feel guilty for being unable to stop comparing your child to others. Guess what? You don’t need to. All parents and caregivers do it. Yes, even those who tell you not to. It’s how we, as humans, assess the children we care for. Whether it be watching other children to see if yours measures up or searching for those popular lists of milestones each child should reach by each age, we all do it.
I do. Even after seven years taking care of the two girls I care for, I find myself comparing them not only to each other but to their classmates. I compare their younger brothers’ ability to learn to how well the sisters could. It’s unfair. The comparison adds unnecessary concern and stress to my job. It creates a disadvantage when they can’t do the same things others can. It affects how I view each of them as individuals.
So here’s a few tips I’ve received from family, friends, and research on how to limit my comparing habits.
First
Celebrate each and every achievement your child earns. You don’t have to throw a party just because he counted to five for the first time, but make a big deal about it. Shout for joy. Throw your hands up in wonder. Say “good job!” a few times. The bigger you cheer, the bigger your child’s smile will grow. The more positive your reaction, the more pride he will have in himself, and the more he will try to earn that reaction again.
And guess how he will do that? By reaching the next goal. And the next. And the next. Soon your child’s progress report from his teacher will have a comment about how easily he can count to the most recent number the class is learning.
2nd
Let your child set her own goals. You don’t need to sit her down with a poster board and marker and say, “Okay, what do you want to learn by the time you turn five?” Very few toddlers would understand questions like that. However, let her set the small goals. She just learned letters A-D? Great! Sing the alphabet song and then see how much of it she can remember. Maybe she can still only make it to D, or maybe she can repeat through H or up to the tongue-twister that is L, M, N, O, P. Or maybe she has a favorite letter that she says every time you ask her to recognize any letter. Unless it’s at the end of the alphabet, then set that letter as the next goal.
If neither of those recommendations work for you, then another idea I personally have used is to go up by five. If she learned A-D, then make the next goal to learn up to I. Repeat the letters she already knows but focus on the new letters. I have found some great websites that suggest games, worksheets, crafts, and other activities that teach a single letter at a time. I will list some of them at the end of this post.
Even with other areas of learning, such as numbers, fine and gross motor skills, or the popular category called STEM or STEAM, letting your child determine the smaller goals will lead to her feeling more confident and more in control. Plus, there will be less frustration for both of you and more chances to celebrate!
3rd
Another tip I have discovered is to encourage individuality. If one child gets upset because his sister can read a book but he can’t, then point out something he is good at doing. Maybe he can color a picture really well, or he’s already mastered how to cut along dotted lines. Again, children learn different tasks at different times. Sometimes, they need to hear that.
This suggestion makes me think of a phrase I often say to the kids I care for.
“Weird means unique, so own it.”
Weird simply means different, and a child who is different from others is unique. Which is a good, positive thing. Despite your child’s sister being better at reading, or recognizing all the letters and their sounds, he is good at something that maybe she struggled to learn. She might tell him that he’s stupid for not knowing his letters (as big sisters and brothers tend to do), but he is not stupid at all. He is simply different.
Conclusion
And that is where we, as caregivers, need to teach children at a young age that it is okay to not be as good at some things as others. Even as adults, some of us can easily do tasks that others cannot figure out on their own. My favorite hobby is writing stories, and yet people tell me all the time that they could never do that. I enjoy singing along with various songs, but I will never be able to sing half as well as those who record them.
Spouses tend to have set “roles” depending on which is better at things that need to be done. Maybe one does laundry while the other prepares meals. Or one puts the kids to bed at night while the other wakes them and gets them ready for the day. At work, people are often given the tasks they’re better at or have been taught and not the tasks that someone else might need to fix later on.
We’re all both better and worse than someone else at everything we do. So are children. So remember, even when you find yourself wondering why your child hasn’t reached the same milestones as others, that is okay. They will reach their own milestones in time.
